When the things you thought would make you happy, don't (in the way you expected)

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These past weeks I got hit hard with a realisation: ‘succes’ does not bring happiness. Haha. Cliché, I know. But with these types of lessons, you gotta live through them and really feel them to learn. That’s why I like asking for advice and not taking it. I want to learn the life lessons by living them, not by hearing about them. It might be more efficient to follow advice instead of trying to figure it out myself, but efficiency is overrated anyways.

So I had two big projects: my first mural and the basement takeover with Aan Tafel! at Poing, a club in Rotterdam. Both these projects that I was so excited for made me unhappy in different ways.

It mostly has something to do with unnecessary self-imposed pressure and expectations...

My first mural (that wasn't really a mural)

There was an open call for the project and I sent a proposal, not thinking anything would come of it. I kind of forgot about until I got an email back, subject: Congratulations Zena-Rae! It immediately made me think of these spammy emails that congratulate your with winning a brand new iPhone, however this email turned out to be legit. Out of 198 proposals, I was one of the four artists that got picked to bring their idea to life! Perks: total creative freedom, advice about how to best approach the mural, working alongside other cool artists and above all getting payed!

I had the whole month of February to make the mural. I planned three days to work on it, thinking two would be more than enough. This was not a very good estimate. I ended up needing four days. This seems like a minor issue. There was literally no one pressuring me to do it within a certain amount days, except for me. I created a problem by putting this unrealistic expectation on myself. I wanted to do everything: do my internship, go to that exhibition opening, dj in the weekend, go home to see my dad and fit this project in between all those plans. Shame, because this made the process really stressful. I rushing and was constantly checking the time.

As I’m writing this it all seems so stupid and please don’t get me wrong, there were moments of joy and it was crazy seeing my work come to life on such a scale. However, I made it an unenjoyable experience for myself. Big lesson learned. And a lot of other small lessons, but this was definitely a big one. To be specific: Plan way twice as much time than you think you need for a mural. To be general: Rushing will not make things go faster and taking your time will make life better. :-)

Basement party

My DJ collective Aan Tafel! got invited to curate the basement of Poing (club). I was excited then nervous then anxious then nauseous then excited again. This was a really big cool opportunity for us and a chance to impress people who can give us more opportunities! The main line up was amazing, all tickets were sold out by the time the doors opened, and a bunch of my friends and people I know were coming.

The whole night leading up to my set (my starting time: 3:30 AM) I didn’t know what to do with myself. I couldn’t really enjoy dancing or chatting or anything. I was just being stressed. Then my set went by in a flash, constantly worrying and wondering if people were having fun. At one point it truly felt like everyone was just being nice, pretending to enjoy my music and dance to not make me feel bad. Rationally I know that makes absolutely no sense, but I have major imposter syndrome when it comes to DJing. On the inside I was going through a mental breakdown while on the outside I was mixing, smiling and dancing. I was wondering how I got here and why I was doing this if it brings me so much stress. Maybe the DJ life is not really for me after all?

So yeah. Not a very enjoyable experience either. The next day I had another gig with Julie, one of my Aan Tafel buddies, I didn’t really prepare because I was so focused on the event the night before. There was no pressure or expectations for this gig. And there you have it, I enjoyed this evening so much!! It reminded me why I DJ, it’s actually very fun! :-)

What I (re)learned: If you are 100% behind the music you’re playing, it doesn’t matter if others like it or not. And also, easier said than done: don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

So I was expecting these major projects to bring me happiness and fulfilment. It felt like everything I have done has been leading up to this. And then the big thing comes and it’s just the most stressful, anxiety inducing experience ever. What a disappointment…

I’m glad to be able to genuinely say it’s okay. These were very valuable experiences and even though I might not have enjoyed them as much as I would have liked in the moment, I can look back on them with positive feelings and know that I will not be making the same mistakes in the near future.

So if succes does not bring happiness what does? Maybe just doing the things you enjoy without pressure. I don’t know. I guess it really is the ability to notice and enjoy little things in life. I’ll probably go through this exact same emotional rollercoaster a few times and learn the same lesson over and over.

I think life is just constant cycle of forgetting what’s important and then being reminded of it again, just to forget again, just to be reminded again.

What do you think, Reader? :-)

Thanks for reading!
Lots of love,

Z

Ps. Music recommendation: Yebba's Tiny Desk Concert!

(Dutch) Podcast recommendation: De liefde van nu. Specifically this episode "Is erotiek op je75ste iets anders dan op je 25ste?" (image=link to spotify)

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